I often resist the urge to use this blog as a sounding board for my motherly woes. I'm not sure why, since I'm pretty sure my few readers are primarily female and every girl knows what a good venting session will do to cure a problem. But it's the reason for no posts in September... All I could come up with over the last few weeks are my frustrations as a mother, and therefore I've stayed away from blogging. With the exception of today.
I've been in a slump. Every little interaction with my kids annoys me, and I just want my own space, my own time. I so identified with Tina Fey in "Date Night" where her fantasy is to be alone in a hotel room with a diet Sprite. I was sitting in that dark theatre, months ago, smiling in agreement - I felt so validated. From the moment I wake up in the morning I'm scheming as to how I can get some alone time. So I put on a somewhat fake smile, muster up all the patience and tolerance I have, and plug away at the day, with their 7:30pm bedtime as the grand prize. I love my boys with all my heart, which is probably why this confusing range of emotions has got me stumped. And as soon as the house is quiet, with the boys in their beds, I sit in my long-awaited peaceful moment and cry with guilt. I'm not sure if it's because I'm female or a mother... or maybe a bit crazy?? But I cannot figure myself out to resolve this so I can go back to loving my role as a mother and do it to the best of my ability. And I so badly want to do that!
Thankfully Monte has been a good listener (and probably resisted the urge to "fix" my problems, as men typically feel compelled to do) to help me sort through my confusion and frustration. But I suppose the worst part about this is that my boys are so great. They aren't acting up or pushing my buttons - no more than usual. They're fairly well-behaved, and any annoyances I find with them are just part of kids being kids. So, I'll chalk it up to a challenging phase in my motherhood, knowing well that this is probably a familiar experience for most moms, and make a point of planning extra nights out with friends, or hiding away in my own little space in our home more often.